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Bloggers & Friends Podcast
Bloggers & Friends Podcast builds community by sharing the experiences, personal journeys, and thoughts, of our guests and our host; having important conversations that resonate and connect us to one another. We talk life, we talk change, we talk wellness and culture, and we do it all with a little bit of laughter! Join us...we just may be the podcast you didn't know you needed.
Bloggers & Friends Podcast
Bloggers & Friends Podcast X Nyla Lawrence: Finding Safety, Ditching “Types,” And Building Black Love
The loudest voices online say will have you believing real love and commitment don't exist. We’re here to prove the opposite. Newlywed Nyla joins us to share how therapy gave her the tools to self-regulate, why deep conversation beat small talk every time, and how choosing for the future—not just the moment—changed everything. From vulnerability to values, her story offers a grounded, hopeful perspective on finding and building love that will last.
We talk about safety as something you can feel: patience when you’re tender, kindness when you’re overwhelmed, and the quiet confidence of being fully yourself without performance. Nyla gets specific about ditching her “type,” writing a values-first list, and dating with honesty across multiple connections until real commitment was clear. We unpack red flags vs. fixable friction, agreements that keep conflict from turning into punishments, and the simple discipline of never weaponizing silence. It’s practical, not preachy—communication, boundaries, and mutual respect.
If this resonated, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs a hopeful nudge, and leave a review with your biggest takeaway—we read every word!
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Hey, hey, y'all. Thank you for tuning in today. I hope that you all are having an amazing day and that turning into our conversation today just makes it that much better. Y'all know I'm always trying to shine a light on the beautiful hearts and minds of people and um the journeys and experience that connect us all. Uh, these internet streets will have you out here thinking that companionship, love, and lifetime commitments don't exist anymore. But today's guest is here to share otherwise. Today, we are joined by newlywed Nyla Lawrence. I gotta get used to that. Hello, me too.
SPEAKER_03:I was like waiting for you to say more too.
SPEAKER_02:Let me tell you, I've been working on it because even in saying Lawrence in my head, I'm saying more. Yes, thank you for joining us and being here um to talk about this topic, your journey, your journey, and um and just share a little bit of yourself with uh with people. Again, the goal every day is to just connect people through shared experiences, people be out here feeling like they're by themselves in what they're experiencing. And so I think um that what well I think and hope that today's conversation is going to um just inspire some folks and um you know reignite some hope and encouragement in people's um heart and um and make them feel connected and that their experience is not something that they they are alone in. Um so one of the reasons that um I don't know if you know or not, but I was um I paused in podcasting for about a year. Hush, y'all, don't say nothing, keep it quiet, keep it cute. I I keep telling y'all I'm gonna come back to this and talk about it. But um part of the reason for that is because the environment is so oversaturated. Um, you know, anybody can get on a mic, and it was really important to me that if I'm gonna be in this space, that I'm gonna always be talking about something um that brings value to the lives of people, that um has substance. And this conversation in particular is really important to me because I really, really, and this is gonna sound dramatic, but I really believe that there is an overall effort um to convince black people in particular that this doesn't exist for us. Um, and so I would love to just kind of start at a point, um maybe prior to you meeting your now husband, and just talk about where you were at and maybe were you preparing yourself? Were you not even thinking about like a person? Was it all about you? What space were you in prior to meeting your now person?
SPEAKER_03:Yes, so prior to meeting Rich, um I had just broke off an engagement and a very long-term relationship. Um, and I was okay with being single. I was starting over and um I was okay with it just being me and my girls and you know, living life, friends, family, just doing me. Like I didn't, I wasn't like, oh, I need to find my person or I need to find a husband or even nothing. Like, yeah, I was open to dating, but I wasn't looking for anything serious because I'd just been in something for a while. So um yeah, I was just I was going to therapy. Come on, I was uh taking care of the kids, working, just you know, going out with friends, really just living life.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Doing you. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So so the the therapy piece is something that I push for our community just in in general. I think that we experience life uniquely, and I think that um we um I don't want it to sound judgy because I also totally get like this historical reason and um maybe familial reasons why people don't within our community, but I like to talk about just the importance of it. What do you think, or how do you think that therapy has been um has benefited you?
SPEAKER_03:So I started going to therapy during the pandemic because I was like, I was having a hard time at work, you know, we were all at home with our families, like any issues that you were having before that, like all came to a head. And I was magnified on 10. Yes. And I was like, I don't know what's going on, but like I, you know, I need to talk to somebody. And so um I started going to virtual therapy. I actually have never met my therapist in person. Like we've always we've always done virtual virtual therapy. Um, I do I would like to sit on the couch one day, but I don't have that experience. Um but yeah, I started going to talk about I I can't remember the the three things, but I I know for sure it was like, or maybe I can. It was motherhood, work, and my relationship. Those were like our top three goals when I first started. And um it was really important to me to learn to self-regulate, to put forward a positive, you know, uh example of motherhood, to not be so frustrated in motherhood or with my partnership to try to determine what I was doing with my professional work. Um, and I just needed someone, you know, neutral to talk to about all those things. And so we started going, I think I was going twice a month at the time. Um, and then since then we've gone to like once a month, once a quarter, no, not once a quarter, once a month, once every other month. And now she like dropped me. I was like, Did you try to get rid of me? But she's like, You're good. You're good, you're good, you know. So she she told me, she's like, come to me when you need me. Yes. But I'm not currently, I don't currently have like scheduled therapy appointments right now. I like to tell people I graduated from therapy. I think I'm a little better. I think I'm better than people. No, I don't. But I I learned a lot, and she shared with me that like she saw the difference in who I was when I first came to, you know, our last appointment. And she was like, You got my number, you know, if you ever need to get on the schedule, you definitely can. Um, but she was like, I want you to go and enjoy your you know, your new marriage and come to me when you need me. Yes. I was like, I'll be back because marriage is I'll be back.
SPEAKER_02:I love that. I call it a tune-up, like when you come back, like that's that's what I do. My my therapist was similar the last time I went. He was like, Janelle, he saw me a few times um and um uh on my return. So I went in for a tune-up. Sorry, I went in for a tune-up and then scheduled a few appointments after, and then like on maybe the third or fourth one and me coming back. Um, he was like, What what are you here for? Why are you here? Like, what are you here for? I mean, I'm happy to conversate with you. We have great conversation, but like you got lots of friends. Like, what are you here? I was like, I just want to make sure that I'm good and that I'm not like out here acting like I'm good, thinking I'm good, but actually, girl. You know? So um, that's wonderful. And I love that. And and it's about uh it's about the tool belt, right? People ask me these odd questions. You know, it's almost like when you're a single woman of a certain age, um, it's like um the younger woman that doesn't have kids yet. That when everyone runs into them, they're like, Do you have kids? Do you have kids? You want kids? Right. So everyone's like, You dating? You got a man? You in it? Yeah. Hey y'all. Yeah, nice, nice. Thanks. Right? Um, but but but I I don't shy away from the fact that I desire that for myself, right? I I um I'm not out here looking for, right? But um I'm open and I desire that for myself. Um, in preparation or just in getting reconnected with yourself, you know, during that time, what were some of the things that you were like, I'm open when you got to a place where you're like, I'm open to dating, I'm open to meeting people. Um, here's what's important to me in that process.
SPEAKER_03:I think I learned um about myself that I really like conversation. And so one thing that was really important to me was to get to know people, to get to know, well, now my husband, to get to know him. Um I loved have I'm I'm one of those people that I don't do small talk, like I'm going straight deep. Like, okay, tell me, tell me about why, you know, this is happening. Um and so I know that I needed someone that I could have those conversations with. Like I am my, you know, I'm comfortable with you when I am just like gabbing about anything. And so it was important to like be with someone that I can that I could have deep conversations with, that we could bounce, you know, different ideas off of one another, um, that I could I could share all of who I was and them not be like, ooh, that's too much. Yeah. Um, you know, that I could, I'm very sensitive. I cry all the time over random things. And so, like, you know, someone that wasn't afraid of my tears or be like, girl, you're tripping, you know. Yes. Um, so that was what was really important to me. And as I got to know him better, I realized that I was really safe to be that person and to do those things. Um, and so that, yeah, that's kind of what led me to to know he was the one.
SPEAKER_02:I love it. I love it. Um, remind me, are you Pisces or are you Aries? Aries. I knew we were I knew it was one or the other. Um yeah, that that emotional nature, right? It's um I uh I I too, like I am a I am, I am, I am, I'll I'm I'll call myself a crybaby. And I am in the best ways though, like in the okay, blessing and curse, right? Because I'm not afraid to be emotional, and also anything can make me emotional. Like I sometimes when I hug people, I it makes me emotional. Sometimes when I see people like, oh, I'm so happy for them, I'm emotional. If you like upset me and I'm just like emotional, like and like all of the things, and um, and so I understand the feeling that is required of safety to be that, right? That word safety, a lot of people minimize it, and um, and I hate it because um it's minimized to like um are they faithful or not faithful? And I'm like, oh child, that's the like that's the totally different, right? Like, and and that's the I mean, and it could be a piece of it, but that is it, it is a small piece of it. What for you um says safety in in a person in in in rich in this person?
SPEAKER_03:For me, I would say again, being able to be completely myself. I had not had any, you know, instances outside of family where I or in my in friendships. I'll say I haven't had any romantic situations where I wasn't holding back parts of myself. Like I may share and I'll see how it's you know received, and then I'll decide if I should share more or or not share more. I think with him we went really deep really fast. Um, and it and he always was kind of even keeled about it, like very supportive, wasn't you know, shocked or um put off by anything. Yeah. Um always, you know, like it, you know, it's okay, like willing to give a hug, willing to talk through, like all those things. And so um that let me know. Yeah, like very he's very, very patient, very, very kind. Um, and that let me know that like he was a person in this world that I could bring all of that to and know that like I'll be okay.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, I think that safety factor is overlooked a lot. I think sometimes in people like trying to make something work because there's something about a person that they really, really like, right? Um, but I am with you in that isn't conversation handsome, yes.
SPEAKER_03:People minimize that, they minimize that. And if you're gonna be with someone long term, that's a person that you're gonna be talking to for years every day. Like you need to be able to do that because I realized in you know, in our dating and everything, how important people always say like communication is so important, and I'd be like, okay, like, yeah, I guess. But like I really realized like being able to talk to your partner, being able to talk about things that may be uncomfortable or tough for you, all of those things are really helpful. And I feel like we do that really, really well. Like anytime that we've, you know, been angry or whatever, we we can easily talk through it and bounce back. Like we've never gone a full day being like, I'm mad at you, and I'll talk to you tomorrow, or you know, something like that.
SPEAKER_01:Not I'll talk to you tomorrow, my heaven.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, you know how people like to ice out, they like to be like, I'm not talking to you, I'll talk to you, you know, like I'm going to another room or I'll talk to you, whatever, you know, hanging up on you, stuff like that. Like, we don't do that.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, listen, in my younger days, I absolutely weaponized silence. Yes, 1000%. I'm like, oh, I just don't have anything to say. And I would like to back it up by being like, if you don't have anything that's that's good to say, don't say anything, right? Like, yeah, and I'm like, but I used it as a younger person, I absolutely used it as as a weapon, and I think that's just so dangerous. And and I think there's like obviously I'm not married yet, but I think that there are agreements that that are important to come to um and understandings about how you resolve things, right? How are we agreeing to resolve things in order to keep this a safe space? And that doesn't mean perfection or human, right? But but it it it goes back to that safety and trust, right? That that even if if someone gets a little outside of themselves, I I I have the grace and the trust, you know, to know that I'm I'm still safe here. But um, but no, the ability to conversate and articulate and have the language for thoughts and feelings, like super important, um, in my in my opinion. Um and I think about um I always think about, and I don't know why this is just like a picture in my mind, like um on the porch in the rocking chair. The goals, right? Do I like this person? Like you can love people, but I also want to like this person for a little bit. Absolutely, right? And that to me lays somewhere in the conversations that that that that that we're able to have. There's there's something so powerful in that line of communication, um, that also is connected to safety, you know.
SPEAKER_03:And I want to mention, you said, you know, sitting in rocking chairs. I I've had this conversation with Rich before of like the reason I chose him is because I could see the future with him. Like a lot of times we choose our partners based off of like right now, like how we feel right now. Like, you know, I'm really into this person. Maybe we have really good uh, you know, connection, we have fun together, they're handsome, all these things that are really fleeting. And we don't think like, if I get sick, is this person gonna take care of me? If I lose my job, will this person, you know, help provide? If, you know, if whatever, like if this bad thing, or if this good thing's happen, this good thing happened, will this person be in support of that? If I get, you know, a promotion and I'm making two times as much as I'm making right now, are they gonna be jealous of me or are they gonna be supportive of me? Like we get so stuck in the like, he's cute, we have fun, he pays to get my nails done or whatever, you know, people are talking about now. Like all these really like um just things that are fleeting, superficial, like superficial, like you're not thinking further out. And it's like, I know it's hard because like we don't know what the future holds, but like if you can think of a few things in the future, do you see that person there with you if those things are happening? Yeah, and if not, you either gotta know like this is just something that I'm doing for this time, or you know that like this might be my person and I need to pursue that.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, um, I always think about um like when I have these conversations, I'm like, can you build? Can you is is this person someone you can build with, right? Is this someone um that is excited about you in a way that uplifts you and is gonna be your biggest hype person instead of feeling insecure about your wins? Are they going to celebrate you? Are they going to uh uh you know are they gonna be in it with you or are they gonna stand back and watch like reluctantly? Um, those things are important, and yeah, I am a person that also loves a beautiful smile, beautiful teeth, beautiful eyes, no creases and shoes. I mean, I I mean, I I am aware, like there there are some things, right? I like some things, but also right, there's the substance, there's the that that part that matters. And I oh I've been I've been telling people you need to probably ditch your type. Um oh my gosh, that so I had to ditch my type.
SPEAKER_03:You do, you do, and I will say that because uh we always laugh, and people too were like, what? Because my husband is light skinned. I probably dated maybe one or two light-skinned people my whole life, and people that I don't even like, I'm not even super connected to were like, I didn't know you like light skin. I was like, how do you even know? Like, where did you even get that from? But like, and and he's bald headed. Like, I've never dated a man who was bald, you know. So, like being so stuck on looks and uh your type will have you pushing your your your other your partner away because they they're not in the package that you wanted them to be in. I also um you asked earlier about like how did I prepare? Um I had a list in my phone of things that I wanted my partner to uh or how I wanted my partner to be. Um I focused on none of them, none of it was physical. I didn't know what this person would look like. I even said this in my vows at our wedding. Like, I didn't know what you would look like, but I knew the type of person that I wanted my husband to be. And so I wrote those things out. Um, you know, things like when I come home, I want to be well received. You know, um like things that you you wouldn't think to put on a list, but like those were things that I felt like I needed in my partner, and so I wrote those down. And I know women, we always got a list, but the list is like he needs to be six, five, making a hundred K a year, he gotta drive this. Like, what is what is any of that gonna do, you know, relationship-wise, connection-wise? How what what is this car gonna do for you? Yeah, you know, so being really thoughtful about that.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, you had said some words earlier, and we had talked about patience, and um, you said kindness, um, and um generosity is another word that that sticks out for me, and just like some of the things that that that in thinking about a partner, um, selflessness, um, consideration. Um, I think consideration is an underrated, goodness, underrated, you know, um need that women think about to specify in that way, is this person considering me at all times? Like, and that's again connected to the trust, connected to the safety, but is this person considering me? And um I I I um I think some of that is attributed to at least a piece of it, and I'll I'll speak to my own experience. There is there's a uh point in time, there's a relationship that I was in um in my younger 30s that I was like I didn't understand the normal ups and downs of a relationship because I hadn't seen it, right? So when I'm trying to learn um like what is normal for a couple to work through, right, in just a in in just a a relationship. Not I mean not obviously not a marriage, but like just in relationship, I didn't understand fully because I hadn't seen it, the normal ups and downs of a relationship that would tell me this is something that you can work through in a healthy way, but this is an absolute red flag. Yep, right exit stage left, girl. Um, I'd hadn't seen it, and so I was trying to work through it real time with the limited knowledge that I have, which is another reason why these conversations are so important to me, because I think this transparency, like we live so much in these houses that, like, you know, what happens in this house stays in this house that it's it's it's people don't always get to um experience um um you know what healthy marriages and relationships look like because people keep the door closed to others, you know.
SPEAKER_03:Oh my goodness, yes. I think um one thing uh and hopefully I remember my other thought, but I want to say about keep keeping the door closed. I was just saying, I just saw this post on Instagram about this woman saying, uh, you know, people make their posts about their partner for anniversaries, what have you, and they always say, Oh, it's not perfect. We've had our ups and downs, you know, blah, blah, blah. She said, I want to know what the downs are. Yes, why y'all always saying that? And you're never sharing, like, what did you have to go through and how did you get through it? Yeah, knowing that is also helpful for people, like just telling us everything is so great. I'm glad it's great. But when it's not great, why wasn't it great? And what did you do to overcome that? Like, we want to know because that's the tool, right?
SPEAKER_02:Like that's that's the tool, that's the lesson, the how. Like, how did you get there? I'm not judging you for what you went through, but are you to the other side of it, or are you managing it right now and working your way to the other side? And what does that look like? And I get it, that that's a very vulnerable space, and and and there are boundaries to that, right? You don't you don't put your whole marriage out for the world to have an opinion on, but if you and I'm not saying that it has to be on social media either, I'm saying in your village, in in a circle of people that that shouldn't even be in that circle if you don't trust them, right? Um, like how are you how are you sharing those experiences um as a way of building community and um and gaining support even sometimes we have to say those things out loud so that people can support us and what we're trying to get through because it it takes it it it takes the village hell like to hold me accountable to getting to the other side, right? Because some things get so tough, and I am not a married woman, but I can imagine just in as in any relationship, and I know that's very different because it's a different commitment level, but like getting um to the other side of that sometimes requires the the village holding you accountable to doing the right thing and not the easy thing or not the not the um uh oh goodness, what is the word I'm looking for? Sometimes we have ways that we carry forward that's just like now, Janelle, don't be in here janeling on people. You know what I mean? And sometimes that moment might require me to not Janelle, and somebody has to hold me accountable to that being a part of myself that I'm actively trying to to um to be better in, you know? Yeah, how did how did how did you uh work through um maybe some or maybe the question is, did you have fears um that you carried forward with you um that you had to work through in order to be at a place where you could say, I do, um, and leave those bags at the door.
SPEAKER_03:I think what helped us both was being able to talk about our past with one another. A lot of times people aren't willing to be open or they're not open to receiving that from someone. It's like I don't want to hear about your ex or your past, you know, situations. Um, we were able to talk through those things together. So we both knew what we where we were coming from and what we what we had endured. I think that was really helpful. Um, and I think the only fear that we both had was that the either of us wasn't as into it as the other. Like we both have the same fear. Like, is this really real? Like, I feel like it was go, it went so well, it was going so well, it's like you fear that like something may happen or something may, you know, be off.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:Um, and it's like, no, but we we just have so much trauma from you know past experiences that we're just constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:And um, I think we had to trust that you know, each of us was not here to um harm, you know, one another.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:Um, so I think just just keeping our, you know, keeping the conversation open, being really um vulnerable about what those fears are um and what we what we were worried about, I think really helped us.
SPEAKER_02:Did you know that he was gonna propose? Like, did you feel like it was in the air? Did you know that it was coming at some point in time, or were you totally just like, oh my gosh?
SPEAKER_03:Kinda. So we had talked about marriage pretty early. I would say maybe by like six months in, we had started talking about like the what-ifs, like doing the like dreamy stuff, like oh, you know, like all that stuff. So we had we had talked about it, and then um as after we uh became boyfriend and girlfriend, which sounds super childish, but like he did actually. Official. Official. There we go. That sounds funny. When we became official, um, you know, we talked about it even more. And um I think then I was just like, I knew that I knew that it would come. I had a feeling it would come one day. I didn't know when. Um, I kept telling him, like, if you do this, don't you go out spending a whole bunch of money on no ring? Cause like, don't go crazy. You know, it's not, it's not that serious, like something nice, but not crazy. Um, but when it Actually happened? No. I had no clue. Like I felt like it was coming, but I didn't know when. He proposed to me on a Tuesday. It was just a regular. Yeah, it was just like a regular day. Like, you know, I was supposed to be going out to dinner with some friends. Like I had no clue. Yeah, no, it totally, I was like, what?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:I love it. Random ones. He was like, I had the ring for months. I'm like, you did? Um, there were times we'd be having dinner, and I'm like, we talking about the ring, the possible, you know, possibility of a ring again. And I'm like, don't go, you know, spending a whole bunch of money whole time. He already didn't spent the money. I didn't even know.
SPEAKER_02:He's like, girl, quiet down. I got this. Yeah. It's already figured out. I love that. That is, I and I love to see. I'm gonna tell you what, I have been, I think it really depends on the side of the internet that you're on. Because I have felt so encouraged by feeling like I'm seeing this new wave of um of black love, right? That that is um that people are loving people out loud again, that um uh that the proposals and they don't have to be extravagant, they don't have to be, they don't have to be, right? But that they're happening, and not just like so you're trying to get married or no.
SPEAKER_01:I mean, it's it's been about 10 years.
SPEAKER_02:Should we do this now? You know what I mean? Um, and so I love even you talking about we started talking about it at six months. I think that that is like also a sign of like self-awareness because when you know, you know, right? And it's also a space of vulnerability that we're not scared to talk about it because I'm gonna tell you what, I'm a whole Pisces, and the deal is that you're gonna love me. Like you are, you're gonna love me. And sometimes I have to I have to pace and also say it out loud. And at this age, I'm not afraid to say it out loud, but I think as a younger person, I didn't quite understand it yet. But like you're gonna love me, you just are because I'm a loving person and I'm a good person, and I know I'm a good person, right? And and so it's gonna happen fast for you, right? And so I think that that um that there is like learning how to differentiate between that and like the realness of a person and an existence. But when you know, like when you know, like you know, like so.
SPEAKER_03:Some people might hear six months and be like, oh, six months, like, oh my god, yeah, but like when you know, like you know, you know, and I think too being like being older, yes, like you know, I'm 40 now, I was 38 when we started dating. Like I knew, you know, more of what I wanted than I would have, like in my 20s. In my 20s, I probably wouldn't have talked about marriage that soon because I would have been afraid, like I would have felt like, oh, there's so much life that I'm not sure I want to be completely locked down just yet. But like at almost 40 at the time, it was like I knew what I wanted. Like I I could see, you know, I I knew that I didn't want to be dating around. I knew that I didn't, I never wanted to have to touch the online dating. I was like, please keep me away. I don't want to do that. That sounds terrifying. Terrifying, yeah. I was like, I don't want to do that. Like, so if I don't, you know, find somebody in the physical, I don't know what's gonna happen. Yes. Um, so yeah, I think that makes that made the difference.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, and even um age absolutely matters because even as a young person, I'm like, just even to your comment about like boyfriend, girlfriend, you know, da-da-da. Like, yeah, I I at as a young person, boyfriend, girlfriend, at this age, I'm I'm older than you though, but um at this age, my age, I'm almost 50.
SPEAKER_03:And I'm like, you said, let's just get married, like we don't even need to do that part.
SPEAKER_02:Well, well, I'm just like, I'm not, I I am all for the period of of knowing and coming to a place of surety and clarity with a person. The however is we're friends until I have a title. Like, we're friends.
SPEAKER_03:Oh, absolutely, right? Like, I and I told him, I was like, You're gonna have to actually ask me the question. I don't have uh, it's not up here on my desk, but I have a little piece of paper. We were out at a restaurant, and he got a pen and a piece of paper from the wait staff and wrote on their like elementary school, will you be my girlfriend? Yes or no? Because I was like, you need to ask. There is no assuming just because we go on dates or any of that, that I, you know, that we are together. Like I need to agree that we are both together at the same time. Yes. Um, and so he did actually ask me, you know, prior to us getting engaged.
SPEAKER_02:And that's a that's a that's a space of maturity and awareness, right? Because I think there's so much um like younger in my I'll I'll keep speaking to my own experience, right? In my younger years, so much, so many of my relationships happen by default. Like we're spending all this time together. That's my man. I guess we should be together. Yeah, I guess we're together. Like he's staying the night over here, he lives there, yeah. Like, you know what I mean?
SPEAKER_01:Like, all the wrong things, like right.
SPEAKER_02:Like, I'm not afraid to say those things because I think it's it's helpful for for other people to hear. Like, yeah, girl, it's all right, like you did it, don't do it again, though. Um exactly, and but it but now I'm like I'm not even I'm like friends, friends, friends until the ring. That's how that's how I am. Friends until the ring, because no, yeah, and I believe in healthy dating, right? Like healthy dating because oh my goodness, um, I was just turned um onto um this book called Girlfriends Don't Matter. And I haven't opened, I haven't read it yet, but I it just got here and I'm um uh a couple weeks ago, and I I'm excited to get into it because somebody would hear that and be like, oh well, if I'm their girlfriend, I should definitely matter. And I'm like, but in the in the in the game of dating, and oh, I shouldn't say that, not the game, in the world of dating and marriage, right?
SPEAKER_01:Do girlfriends matter?
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, yeah. And I I wanna I want to talk about dating for a little bit because I feel like because of what you said, just defaulting into that, we didn't learn to date. And I think people think you can only date one person at a time. I come on, I feel like there's levels to dating. Come on, and I don't feel like just because we're dating means that we have to be having sex either. Come on. I to me, people people don't like to hear this, but to me, dating is like an interview process, okay? It is, yeah people don't people don't like it, but you're trying to decide do I want to go further with this person or not? We're going out to eat, we're going bowling, we're doing whatever to determine how my personality and their personality and their lifestyle and my lifestyle work together. Yeah, and if I like how it's working, then we may continue to go through the different steps. If not, then I may decide that I don't want to date this person anymore. At the same time, I may be doing this with two or three other people.
SPEAKER_02:Absolutely.
SPEAKER_03:I told my husband at the time I was like, You are not the only person I'm dating, I'm dating other people.
SPEAKER_02:That's the difference. That's the difference, though. I think that I agree with you that people don't know how to date, nor are we encouraged. Well, women aren't encouraged to date um multiple people. Um, and um I think the part of dating that is important is what you just did, that honesty, that old honesty.
SPEAKER_03:You have to tell because if you don't, that that you know, each of those people thinks that they're the only person, right? And I'm not saying you have to be so honest that they need to know who each other is, like that's a little weird, but like just know that like you may see me out, maybe if we happen to be in the same spot, you know, like until you ask for official commitment, yeah, and we decide together that we want to do that. I'm going to see who else is out there. Yeah, I'm not gonna date one person at a time until like, no, this person came along, this you know, and I think that's okay. And people, especially with women, like to put all these titles on it, you know, she's the this, she's the that. Um, but that's how it's supposed to be, and not only men get to do that, yes, yes, and yes, yes, this is this is my my my daughters.
SPEAKER_02:I'm like friends, friends have a lot of friends because that's also the process um I feel like of where we as women and men when they do it right, also, right? Um get to know themselves, right? Because this may not be a person that I'm like, oh, there's a whole uh, but there's parts of him that maybe I liked and appreciated that I I take and I hold with me because I would like that in the future, man, right? Or you know, and and we learn parts of ourselves uh about the way we want to be treated, about the way that we teach people how to treat us, about the way that we require people to show up in in our space, in our presence. Um, that is, I feel like, found in that dating process. There's so much to learn about yourself in that process. Um, but the key to it is that open honesty. It just is. And if and if you're dealing with egos that can't handle that, again, we're talking red flags.
SPEAKER_03:Yes, and red flags. I wanted to go back to that too, because a lot of times we dismiss those. Yeah, and we take them into you know, from one situation to another. You're seeing it now two, three times in different people, and you keep brushing it off. Why? Why do you keep putting up with or settling for things that you know you don't want to put up with or settle for? Like, be done at the first sight of that thing. And I think we all have our like no-brainers, like you know, our are things that we're like, there's no way. Yeah, um, I was talking to uh a friend of mine the other day, and I was like, like, I could never be with someone who was homophobic, like right, it's just enough for me. Like, nope, don't care, because why? Um, and there's some other things that are like that too, but you can't be like, I don't want to be with anyone that's homophobic, but then he, you know, this person is doing slurs or you know, turning their nose up or whatever, and you're just like, ah, but I really like them. So, you know, I'll deal with the fact that no, yep, yep, no, yep, no, uh agreed, also agreed, also agreed.
SPEAKER_02:Um, and um, and that says something about yourself, and I would also like to to to um to say that I think that the important part of um deciding against a relationship or moving past a relationship is the reflection part of that relationship because I think that a lot of times when a person, whether it's a man or a woman, feels like it's they're a good person and they did good in that relationship, right? They fail to reflect on their part in what didn't work, right? So that doesn't mean taking ownership of another person's shortcomings. That doesn't mean um that um you know you're blaming yourself for somebody else's actions, it is saying, what was my role in um staying through it? Um and and how did I, if this is against who I am, how did I stay through that? Um why did I stay through that? And and I'm really important for people to have that that time of reflection um to to really process what they want or would like different for themselves um moving forward, you know? Um and um and I think that is that is also missed a lot. Yes, a lot, yes. What's your what's your favorite part? Um, and I know it's all new still, right? But what has been your favorite part so far about about being being somebody's wife, girl?
SPEAKER_01:You said my husband earlier, and I was like, I know.
SPEAKER_03:Every time I say it, I'm like, oh gosh. Um I think just the partnership, like just having like that built-in best friend. It's like it's like your friend that you get to have a sleepover with every every day, you know, like like coming home at the end of you know the workday and getting the kids settled and having dinner and you know, watching a show together or like date nights, you know, just being able to get dressed up and and go somewhere. I think just the partnership. Like I have really great girlfriends, lots of you know, great uh female to female relationships, and and I love that he respects that as well.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:Um, but having that partnership with someone that you also, you know, that have can do the other things with. Um is really nice. It's really nice. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. So a lot of um a lot of men and women feel like um, and I hate this for them because I hate it for them. Um, because I even not being married, I know it's not the case, but people feel like um when they enter into marriage, they're losing instead of gaining something, they're losing something instead of gaining something in terms of like who they are as an individual. And I am of the mind that like you should come into uh uh any relationship as an individual person, and then together there there is this space, but n but it doesn't mean because you are in this space of togetherness that you lose who you are as an individual. Um how how and I think you just talked a little bit about it, but talk a little bit more if you can, just about the space that that you have in your marriage to be your whole self, right? Like, I don't have to give up this part of me because there is this space of togetherness with with he and I. Like, how have you been able to preserve your individualism, you know, um, and and not feel like that is lost because you're married?
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, I think even while we were dating, he was very supportive of who I was, like things that I like to do, places that I like to go, my friendships. Like he would be pumping me up, like, oh, you're going to black girl brunch, put that, you know, put that cute skirt on, make sure you know, make sure your legs is oiled up. Like, come on. That's how he was, you know. It's like he wasn't worried about you know, me going out and someone seeing me, and you know, him like him, me being taken from him or anything like that. He's like, You're fine. I want everybody to know you're fine, like go out, go out, you know, let me know when you get home, you know. Um and I think the same for him, he always says, like, for him with guys, like they, a lot of his, you know, friends or people that he knows, they felt like they had to like sacrifice parts of themselves when they got a wife, you know. And they felt like, you know, maybe they were kind of more tied down. And he's like, that's what I love about my wife is that she's not worried about me in that way. Like, he'd be like, Oh, I want to go see this musician play or whatever. Okay, bye. Yeah, yeah. You know, and so we're that same way for each other. Like, it's not like, and he he says all the time, like, you don't have to feel like you have to do everything with me or that I need to be invited. There, I know that there's spaces that I won't be welcomed, and that's okay. Yeah, you know, and so and I'm the same for him. Like, I don't need to know your every move. I mean, we are very like open in that way where we do share, like where I'm going, what I'm doing, that kind of thing. Like, we're just like that. But but it's not in a way because it's not like we're trying to like manage one another or any or that's more like just the safety and care, and we're best friends, so we like to share. But yeah, um, but yeah, no, we definitely leave that space open for one another. Like he knows, like, you know, I'm gonna read or watch a movie or just be at the house chilling, and he's okay with that. I know that like he may go out to, you know, he's a he's a uh drummer, so he has gigs that he goes to. He's gonna go to a gig, he may go watch a watch a friend, um, you know, that kind of thing. And and that's okay. It's like we both love our alone time and we also really love our time together, and we know that both are necessary.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:So yeah.
SPEAKER_02:And that's some of that, that, that time learning a person prior to marriage, right? And and and saying that I say that if you are coming into a relationship with a person and you think that at the point of marriage you're going to require something different of them in terms of like who they are, like, like you're you're you're you're at a deficit already.
unknown:Yep.
SPEAKER_02:Because that exploration and discovery of a person's foundation and who they are, right? Sh should be should be done. Yeah. Right. And and then you're building and understanding that we as individuals change and evolve daily and and based on you know what life throws our way, but but but but that's the later stuff, right? The early stuff, you should be knowing and understanding who a person is, and that's why insecurity isn't cute. Um if I could, if I okay, hold on. Let me let me straighten up for this camera. Y'all, insecurity isn't cute, ladies and gentlemen. Um, it may make you feel like, oh, he or she just loves me so much. Ref like, ref like, ref like, ref like, ref like, ref like, ref like. Seriously, that is that is not that is not because someone wants to be with you every waking moment because someone wants to take along, someone wants to show up at your ladies' brunch. That is not, that's not, y'all, that's not what you want. I promise you. I promise you, that's not what you want. But I see so many people being like, like thinking that that is like awesome, and I'm like, no, no, no. But and that's that's the parts that later in marriage show up as like now you're unhappy, right? Because now those red flags are serious in the in the learning of a person, and I also don't want people to um invested time when you're dating a person, you don't owe anyone anything in terms of staying, right? When you I don't care if you've been dating someone for just say a year, right? Just say a year. If a red flag pops up, a red flag pops up, sir, ma'am, ma'am, sir. Yeah, absolutely. You know what I mean? And you don't have to feel like because you've had time in with this person that you owe it to them to stay through that. Like, I I really um there's something to be enjoyed about like the discovery of a partner. Like it this it's like this study session. It's like you're learning that person, and and that person is learning you, and um, and uh there's something so um uh I don't exciting isn't the word, but um intriguing maybe um about just like peeling back the layers of a person. And if as you're peeling back those layers of a person, you're starting to peel back later layers that that um go against kind of like what you said about if a person shows up in this way with you know um, you know, homophobic or um sexist or um whatever, any of them, right? Is any of the isms especially the isms any of the isms um that that that you understand um that you have the ability to comprehend how that can show up later for you, right? And and that vision about what you want to have in life, what you want to have or share with a person, like don't ignore those things as they're happening because um you're enjoying other parts of them. Take that discovery portion, yes, be intrigued by it. Yes, you can be excited about it, yes, you can be challenged by it, but um don't um don't ignore the purpose of it, right? The purpose of it is if you're if you're doing it with intention, right, is to see if this person is a person that is suitable um to continue to build with. And when those things are showing up, you can't just, you know, treat it like a hole in the wall and you know, put some stuff over it and cover it up, you know, a hole in a pair of your favorite jeans that you're just like, oh, it'll be fine. No, it's gonna continue to grow and grow and grow. It's gonna be there. So, so don't ignore those things. What for you has um what's been the reality check for you? Like in in in thinking about how sometimes, and maybe you're past that point, um, because I know that sometimes as we get, you know, as we get um more seasoned in life, um, those things are are we less to we tend to be less like um we we we tend to fantasize a little less about about the idea of real things. Um has there been a moment for you that's been like okay, I gotta do this different because I was married now. And I know it's still all very new for you, so that's not a thing yet, right?
SPEAKER_03:I think um I think that thing is like we've been having conversations about like what it looks like to put us first. Yeah. Um, you know, when you're not coupled up, you can kind of decide in a different way, yeah, you know, of who comes first. And I think um, you know, there's the conversation of like who come who comes first. Is it the kids or your husband and that kind of thing? I've always, even before I was married, thought that your husband, not your boyfriend or whatever, your husband does come before your kids. Yeah. And what that what that means is like, or how I see it is like one day your kids will also be adults and they'll have their own, you know, husbands or wives or what have you. Um our goal is for us to have a healthy relationship, that they see that see a healthy relationship so that they too can want something similar or better. Um, but in order for us to parent them and support them and guide them on their journey, we need to be in a healthy alignment together. Um, and so when they say put y'all first, I think that's what that means to me. Yeah um, because it just trickles down when you're, you know, not in the best situation or what have you, that's gonna trickle down to your kids if you have them. Yes. Um, and I really wanted my daughters to see a healthy, loving relationship. I didn't grow up seeing that, yeah. Um, so I had to create that on my own. I had to decide what that looked like for me. Um, and they'll do the same, even with you know, seeing my relationship, but I wanted them to see that firsthand. That was really important to me.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. So yeah. Um does did um does he have um did he have children prior to marriage also? Yes, he has a son. So you guys have a blended family. Yeah, that's been a whole new world, right? Yes, yes.
SPEAKER_03:We're still figuring it out, yeah. Again, it's new, but um I think you know, uh getting the kids together while we were in the dating phase really helped us. I remember us both saying, like, if my kids don't like you or your kid don't like me, this might not work because like our kids are really important to us, and we don't want to put them in a situation where they feel like burdened by our relationship. Yeah, um, because think about it. When have ever have adults thought about the kids when they decide to date a person? Yeah very rarely. Yes. Um, but we knew that this was had the potential to be something long-term. And so we wanted to ensure that the kids, you know, like your kids, your kid likes me, my kids like you, they like each other. Like, you know, um we didn't want to our relationship to be a place of like trauma or something like that for them. So um I think that that was really, you know, helpful um to see how we all got along together. And you know, we would have times where we would, you know, do stuff at the house or we'd take all the kids out together or things like that. And so um that was just another like stamp of approval of like, okay, what we have here is good.
SPEAKER_02:Yes, yeah, come on. I love that, I love that. Um my little heart's just smiling for you, Nala. It just is. Um I because I love to see it so much, and um, and I hate that there's even this segment of society that is just downing this experience. Um, and and I am I am one of those people who feels like it's it's um it's intentional. Yeah, right? You have strong black families, that's a whole nother level of power. And and um, and so it it just is making me happy to see um to to to see it more present and um to have this opportunity to just talk with you about it because I think it's also so important for for people to hear. Um, we're coming into like the holiday season, we're in the holiday seasons. Um, but even outside of it, have you guys gotten to a space where you're like, this is the new tradition that I want us to have as a family? Or are is it just still and I again I know it's still so new, right? Um but is it just still so new that you haven't gotten there yet and you guys are just like coasting and figuring it out, or are there things that are on the table that are like, no, we as a family have to do this?
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, I think we're still deciding. Um, for Thanksgiving, this is the first time that we're gonna host. So that's new. I've never hosted Thanksgiving. Um, I've always hosted a Christmas brunch with my family, and so we'll still host that. Um, he's never hosted anything or had a hand in any of any of the things, um, usually just, you know, going to just attending. Um, but I love that, like, you know, we've hosted a few different things uh this year, and he's so supportive of that, and he loves it. Um, you know, he loves hosting, loves, you know, being around to to help, you know, our our guests with whatever they need. And so I've loved doing that with him. Um, I love a good mastery pajama moment. That's just something that I've done with my kids, you know, since forever. So uh we'll definitely continue that. Um Yeah, it's more to come, right? Yeah. He wants a real tree. I like my little fake tree. He's like, real one. I'm like, okay, whatever.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:You know, I'm the I'm the I'm the fake tree. Also, so I have my sister dying every year because I have this thing where like I don't even, my I'm an empty nester, right? So I don't even have to decorate this tree anymore because I put the decorations on the tree, and people might say that defeats the purpose. The decorations are on the tree, Nyla, and then I got this big old tree bag, and I slide this tree decorate the whole tree into the bag, honey. Carry the bag down to the garage until the next year, right?
SPEAKER_03:Right back out.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, um, Mary Jackson, she used to tear me up on uh social media, but yes, about this dang tree. Because, honey, the thing is is that if I gotta take these ornaments off, if I gotta decorate this bad boy every year, honey, it might be up till February.
SPEAKER_03:That's me pulling it out, gotta put it together, put that in like and the kids don't want to help, they don't really care.
SPEAKER_02:They like putting them on, but then they're taking it off. Oh, that's that's that's I I'm at this place in life where where it's about convenience, right? And so um that process for me right now is convenience. I put that decorated tree in that in that tree bag and pull that decorated tree back out the next year. Yes, it works.
SPEAKER_03:Yep, I'm here for I'm here for uh uh a faux tree. Yes, I love it. I love it, but I'm like, if you want a real tree, I don't care. Yeah, I just knew that I wasn't managing a real tree, like you gotta get rid of them, and it's too bad. Yes, yes, yes, that could be his thing. I love it. I'm like, go ahead. I'll I'll decorate it. You you're gonna have to go get it and all that, yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Yes, I love it. Um, well, because I see I'm getting um too deep in the in in Gab and talking your ears off your ear butt. You try to reel it in just a little bit, but um, what do you feel as though um you've learned about yourself? What what it what what what what is the timeline of maybe like two years here, year and a half, two years over these maybe past two years, what do you feel like you have learned um or dis discovered essentially about Nyla?
SPEAKER_03:I've discovered how important it is, like how important relationships are to me, all relationships.
SPEAKER_04:Yes.
SPEAKER_03:Um, and I've discovered how um I really appreciate like harmony in relationships. Like I really appreciate um, I don't like when there's like tension or you know, different things like that happening. Um I also appreciate everyone knowing like their position, you know, like uh my husband not being um you know offended by my friendships, being really supportive of that, knowing that that's necessary for me to thrive. Um and my girlfriends understanding like, you know, she has a husband, yeah. Um, but also knowing that like I'm not like it's not like oh, like we were talking about earlier, it's not like I'm being put in this box now because I'm married. Like, yeah, I'm still, you know, available and there for them. Yeah. Um and just managing that, you know, managing the relationship with my kids, my my my family. Um, but I think you know, just being able to be like true to myself. I feel like for the first time ever, I am just completely me. Like I don't feel like there's parts of me that are, you know, shut off or shut down. Yes. Um, I am just constantly learning. Um, I feel like you know, my kids have said I'm I'm doing really well with motherhood. Yeah. I'm learning every day. I told my oldest, I was like, you just turned 13. I'm like, I just want you to know I I've never known what I'm doing. I'm literally figuring it out as I go.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:Yes. Thank you for teaching me. Cause come on.
SPEAKER_02:Cause teach because our kids are our greatest teachers. Oh, I absolutely.
SPEAKER_03:Absolutely.
SPEAKER_02:Yes.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah. She and she, I love that she like we've created a space where she can vocalize her feelings and just be her goofy, you know, childish 13-year-old self. Like she's she's not, you know, in a position where she has to feel like, you know, she has to be more grown up or that stuff. Like I am, she is my greatest um success story. Like, come on. Um, you know, and my youngest coming up right after her. But um, but yeah, I just I just love that she's able to to completely be herself and she can come to me and be like, I didn't like how you said that to me. And I'm like, you know what? You're right.
SPEAKER_02:I shouldn't have said that, right? Oh, girl, you're about to get me into a whole other I won't do it, but yes, yes, because we're um being able to move into an um a space of parenting that is not that of which we came up in, exactly, right?
SPEAKER_03:It's so different, and it's like you still have the older generation around who like is looking like uh-uh, why you let her do that? It's like because we I'm not teaching her the way that y'all taught me, like it's different over here. That part, don't be messing with my baby, like I got it.
SPEAKER_02:The dynamics of having a new person in in in your home and in your life, like um, we want to feel like it's gonna be great. I love them, they'll love them. That's very different when you're blending families, um, you know, um, because you have to create the ground for um it to be okay, right? Like, and I I and I say that about a plethora of things, like it can be okay. It can be okay for you to feel conflicted about loving this other person. It it can it can two things can be true at once. You can love um, you know, your bio parent, and you can love this new one also. There's room and space for all of those things. That's okay, right? Um, it's okay if you have feelings about like you're not my real parent, right? Like we have to work through those things, yes, but it's okay. Now let's work through them, right? How has that been for you to approach, um, or you both to approach in in in in this new marriage where you're getting your footing for yourself, but also trying to create this beautiful protected space for your kids to to also get their footing? Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:We've been lucky enough that neither of our kids have said those words. Like, that's not my mom, that's not my dad. Like, they I think both, you know, the kids respect us as adults and as parent figures. Um, I think you know, we come together to to make decisions for them or to give insight on what's going on, you know, to solve solve issues together. Um he's able to give direction to the girls and they will do what he says. I'm able to give, you know, direction um, you know, to our son, and he and he'll do it. And he's neither of them, I've never seen the mouth off at the others of us. Um, and we're like, I we just are lucky in that way, I guess. Yeah. Um but there's been we've also had conversations with one another of like, how far is too far, how much is too much? Am I backing you up, or can I also discipline or say this thing on my own without needing you to be in the space?
SPEAKER_04:Yes.
SPEAKER_03:Um, and we have, I mean, we have you know really good kids, so it's it's very rare that that they need that, but um, you know, just supporting one another and uh deciding on what that looks like and also feeling like uh, you know, you're kind of trying to drop your defenses of like that's my child. Yeah, you know, those are that's my kid, you know.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:Um, and that is something that I think internally you just work on of like, no, we're all a family together now. We are also parenting this kid, and then also bringing in their other, you know, their other bio parent. Like we're having, you know, we're having that relationship um with their bioparent, and then also having that relationship. So it's like we got all these different going multiple ways. Um, but trying to, you know, all get on the same page, I think um is really important to us. And the kids really make it easy. They they have not been like, you know, distancing themselves from from what's happening. Um they really, really like him, and so that was helpful.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, um yeah. Oh goodness, I could pick your brain for hours because I'm a conversationalist and I know, and I love talking to there's so much good stuff to peel back here. Um what I'm I'm gonna I'm gonna make this uh oh no no no. I'm gonna have I have two more questions. Um and then I'm gonna wrap it up, I promise. Um what um I don't want to call it advice, I want to say words of encouragement. Um could you give or would you give to um a person who is um who desires um marriage for themselves um at this place in their life? What what encouragement or guidance um can you share um with them um at this space in their life?
SPEAKER_03:I would say number one, work on yourself. Make sure that you are your best self so that when a person comes, you're ready for them and you're not you know still dealing with past issues that you push them away. Yeah, um I would say to getting clear on what you desire from a partner outside of their physical, um be reminded that there are things that can be changed about people, but knowing, and I think this was this was uh very apparent for for my husband, is knowing that uh I was taking him exactly as he was today, with no desire for him to change. Like it wasn't like I'm taking him and I really hope that he eventually, you know, whatever. Like, no, I love him just as he is today. If he becomes better in the future, that's just better for the both of us. But as he is today is perfect for me. And so not going into a situation wanting someone to change. If you don't like exactly who they are when you meet them, that person is not for you. Um I think lastly, learning to date and being okay with it. People always look, I hear so many people say, I hate dating. I'm like, what y'all hate? I loved it, it's fun to me. Yeah, yeah. But I, you know, I like to get to know people, I like to go and you know, try new things and and things like that. So just enjoy it and not try to make something something that it's not.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03:Just because you want the partnership, like I gotta make this square fit into this circle. No, you don't. I just gave that analogy the other day. Yes, you don't. No, no, you don't. They may just be a friend or they may just be uh an experience, yeah, and you can take that into your next situation, but don't try to make something something that it is not, yes, yes. Um I think that's those are my top three.
SPEAKER_01:I've got a long list, but those are the top three. I mean, I can go on and on and on, but you know. I love it, I love it, I love it.
SPEAKER_02:Um how has your village um poured into you at this time over these last like two years at this time as you're as you're experiencing this person, um, as you are um as it becomes more evident that that rich is becoming your person, right? They see the trajectory on their own. Like how have they poured into you? Because I imagine that um uh when you have a solid village, they're they pour into you regularly about many of things, right? But when they see this space coming, I mean, you know, this this coming up in your life, I imagine there is a different intentionality on their part also. How what what um what was different maybe about the way that they poured into you at that time?
SPEAKER_03:They were super supportive. I feel like everyone was like always checking in, trying to make sure, you know, are you still feeling him? How's things going? Um I think one big difference, and I this has never happened before, so that's why I want to share this, is early on, I would say within the first six months of us dating, um my friend who um probably I don't know when she would have met him outside of the you know this happening, um, was like, I want to know him. Like she was like, I wonder if he'll go to lunch with me. I want to share how I see you, and I want to like be able to get a feel for him or whatever. Yeah, and I was like, I think he would be, he would agree to that. Yeah. Um, and I share with him, and they found a date and time, and they went out to lunch together, and they were out for like three hours. And I'm texting them both, like, are y'all good? Y'all still there? And they're like, We're still here, stop texting us. And I'm like, Well, what's happening? What's what's the topic? Like, tell us mind your business. They're like, Don't worry about it. Um, and they really connected, and they uh, you know, he would at that time was like, I'm gonna marry her. And she was like, What? Like, you just met her. How you know you're gonna marry her? And he was and everyone that he would meet, my cousins, he would be like, Yeah, I'm gonna marry her. And this is like early on, this is like before we were even in a committed relationship. And they're like, Oh wow, he really likes you. And I'm like, I like him too, you know. But he was telling everybody, like, that's gonna be my wife.
SPEAKER_02:Period. Yep.
SPEAKER_03:And they were like, Okay, well, let's let's get her to that point, you know, let's get to that point. Um, and so I think they were just really supportive, like they, you know, um, yeah, they liked, you know, what they were seeing, and they wanted to help me. If this is what I wanted, they wanted to help support me get to that place. And they they did. Um, and even now, you know, in our new marriage, they still will call, how's the marriage going? You know, has anything changed? Everything good? I'm like, it's great.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:Um, so yeah, just super supportive. I think um, you know, I have a couple of friends that are also married, um, and so they've, you know, shared some of their experiences and things like that. But I feel like everyone is kind of, you know, they'll give it, they'll give advice or give insight, but they're kind of like letting letting us learn on our own and to really appreciate that too.
SPEAKER_02:Last thing, and you may not, it may take you a second to give an answer for it, it may not, but because I'm a music head, if you had a song that could be the soundtrack on the soundtrack of the season that you're in right now, what would it be? Oh my goodness. Take a second, take a second.
SPEAKER_03:I don't know why, but the first song that comes to mind is Megan the Stallion's Lover Girl. Come on, my man, my man, yeah. And maybe because I was just listening to it last night, I don't know. But I I feel her on all day. I feel her, yeah. I love that.
SPEAKER_02:I love that, and I love that you say her, um, because I think um she is someone whose experience that we've been able to witness. We don't know her personally, right? Yeah, but I think her experience is not uncommon um for young black girls, and even in the way that she's being demonized about things that um that aren't other people's business. Um, so to see her coming into this space where she's feeling um, it seems as though what we see is feeling like I could be soft, I could be feminine, I could be, I can, I can, it's almost like I can rest, right? I can rest, like I can feel celebrated, I can feel protected, I can, I can be at peace, I can, I can feel um covered, um, because I can imagine how she hasn't for so long. You you've lost, you know, the you know, your parents and like you feel out here, you know, and so I love this for her. So I love that you picked that. Yeah. Because it it came to mind probably because if you were just listening to it and you probably were feeling it in a different way, like, yes, Meg, I feel you, girl. Yes, me too. Yes, yeah, I love it. Thank you so much for being here with me today and for for sharing all of these things. Um, I know that um, you know, we have listenership from all over the place, many different our age range is crazy um for who tunes in to hear. Um, and it's it's I wish I could say it was just this portion of of people, but it's not. It's this interesting range of ages um that tune in. And so um whether you're someone who is at a space in your life well, you're where you're learning to date, if you're someone who is at a space in life where you are trying to focus on the intentionality of welcoming a partner into your life, whether you are someone who is focused on um learning yourself and loving yourself and liking liking yourself, then I hope some of these things discussed today um felt inspiring and encouraging um and um and are bringing you to a space um of feeling and community with people because you're not alone in your experience. So, Nyla, thank you so much for joining us and discussing these things with us today. Y'all, I want to just drop one more reminder support small businesses. Please check out Mama D's LLC and look at some of the things that she's offering um this season. Um, please uh look in your communities and think to support business locally. Um, uh black women, black men. Let's make sure that we are getting out in our communities and supporting um the businesses that are trying to support us. Um I hope everyone is well. Um, and we look to carry on these conversations again. Thanks, y'all.