When Tigest Beyene speaks about her journey from the throes of domestic violence to the empowering embrace of faith and authorship, you can't help but be moved. Her story, captured in the poignant pages of "Love, Sex, and Sorrow," resonates with a chorus of courage, showcasing the profound strength of the human spirit. In our conversation, Tigest opens up about surviving trauma, holding onto her faith, and the transformative power of healing. Join the conversation!
When Tigest Beyene speaks about her journey from the throes of domestic violence to the empowering embrace of faith and authorship, you can't help but be moved. Her story, captured in the poignant pages of "Love, Sex, and Sorrow," resonates with a chorus of courage, showcasing the profound strength of the human spirit. In our conversation, Tigest opens up about surviving trauma, holding onto her faith, and the transformative power of healing. Join the conversation!
Hey y'all, I'm Janelle Yarbrough, and welcome to Blockers and Friends. This is your podcast for discussions around relevant topics and experiences that resonate with the culture. For those of you who roll with me, you know we talk a lot about embracing the possibility of change. We'll continue to touch on that and lots more. Sound good Work. Let's get into it. Hey, hey y'all. Thank you for being here with us today.
Speaker 1:I hope that you are all starting off the new year with a rejuvenated sense of focus, a sharper vision and a new wind. We're going to get right to it today, as we're sharing space with a special guest, but before we do, I want to take a few seconds to do what we always do Shout out the locations where our listeners are tuning in from. Shout out to Marbella, malaga, spain. Clinton Township in Michigan, miami, florida, warnville, illinois, nizny Novgorod in Russia, the Republic of Singapore, east Dohwich, southwork, london, england, and Munich, bavaria, germany. Thank you all for tuning in, both new and returning listeners.
Speaker 1:As usual, I am grateful this episode's guest author, tiges Biené, is joining us to share her story, one of survival, faith, perseverance and community. Tiges was able to turn the trauma of domestic violence into a liberating and therapeutic body of work when she released her book Love, sex and Thoreau. In our conversation, we discussed the ways with which she was able to keep her faith during such a challenging time, her ability to balance motherhood and her healing, the village that covered her and her openness to trusting and loving again. Bloggers and Friends podcast is committed to supporting mental health and well-being. Therefore, I would like to give a trigger warning that some details surrounding the violence tickets experienced will be shared and the content of this episode may be emotionally challenging.
Speaker 1:If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic violence, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline for resources and support. You can reach them at 1-800-799-7233 or text the word START-S-T-A-R-T to 887-888. I hope that her story encourages and if this episode falls on the ears of someone who is fighting to save themselves, may her story give you inspiration, and if you are fighting to save someone you love, may it give you hope. Enjoy All right, friends. Thank you for joining us today. It's always a treat when I am able to bring folks on to share their stories and steps of their journey. Today, we are joined by the author of Love, sex and Sorrow. To guest BNA. Did I say your last name, right?
Speaker 2:I got it. I got it. Yeah, you did my last name good yeah.
Speaker 1:I was like I can say this, one after the other. Let me get my life together on this Awesome Well, thank you for joining us today. They get to hear me talk and run my mouth all the time on my own, so I love having people on. Yeah, I love having people on. This is what this community is about is just bringing people together to share their stories and encourage one another. So thank you for joining us.
Speaker 2:Yeah, thank you for having me. This was exciting.
Speaker 1:So tell us a little bit about your background and the events that led you up to writing your book.
Speaker 2:So yeah, so my book is based on a true event that happened here in Seattle Washington. I was involved in a relationship that obviously didn't turn out right, but the aftermath of it wasn't happened. I got shot by my ex fiancee after we broke up. Weeks passed and then the incident happened. It wasn't like a breakup Boom. It kind of was like a timeframe that it all happened. So I decided to write a book, but the book actually was really like a therapy session thing for me, just writing out my thoughts and my therapist like you should do this, do this. So did all that. And I was actually. I had a second child and I thought I was going into the therapy session and talk about I got two kids and two baby daddies. Yeah, I'm single now and you know, so she's like, okay. So she asked me questions like you know, what was your past relationship? And then I told her oh well, no, it's okay, she's like, okay, she was like. And then what happened? I was like well I have shot.
Speaker 2:She was like by the man. I was like, yeah, Hold on. She was like you're coming in for the wrong thing.
Speaker 2:I think she was like let's unpack something, yeah, and going on, because she was like I think you, I think you need to fix some mills, yeah, and I was like no, no, that's gone, that's done. And she was like you know, it's not. And that's when I was like, oh, okay, hold on. I thought I was both kind of bypassing it. You know, you bypass through life and you hide everything, yeah. And then they say, right, so that's how the book came out. I wrote up you know, like different people I was with how I had my first child and that led up to the situation.
Speaker 1:So you were going to therapy because you were like I'm at this place where I'm having a second child and you had my second child.
Speaker 1:You had your second child and you were like, let me gather life and my thoughts. And she's like hold on. That was your journey leading up to therapy. Because, you know, listen, just culturally, like it's it's. It's not what we're encouraged to do. I think we're just right now, with this place in society where people are like encouraging and pushing what brought you to the place, that said, I'm going to do it.
Speaker 2:So I've done it before but it wasn't like real, like not saying real. Therapy was more like I talked to somebody about my incident, what happened to my doctor was. So the doctor was bringing a counselor in my visit. And that's when I was like oh, okay, they think that's enough of it. But this one I like I said I was going in because I was ending a relationship with my second daughter's father, and it wasn't because of that. It was more like what am I, what am I doing with myself?
Speaker 2:and here, Me and him have a great relationship with co-parent grade, all that good stuff. But it was more like this you know, like something ain't right, Like you know, and I wasn't going to do it and I wasn't going to cool, cool, but I had some questions that I'm thinking Listen, what am I supposed to do with these kids? Like, how am I supposed to like okay, I want to do school, I want to finish, I had all this stuff and she was like uh, yeah, you started to say this. I don't really say this, but I think you hear for the wrong reasons.
Speaker 1:Isn't it a trip how we're just like programmed, I think, sometimes as a people, but I think specifically as women. Isn't it a trip how we're programmed to just like get over it and go, especially when there's kids involved. Right, you're just like. I don't got time to be, I don't got time to be stuck here, I don't got time to sit and roll around in that like keep it moving, going forward. I can relate to that.
Speaker 2:That's how I was thinking. I was like, okay, I just need you to give me a plan. Like I just mind the calendar. I didn't know what you're trying to you talking about some stuff I don't even know. Yeah, yeah, you were trying to get your life in order and she was like hold up, I thought that was like a life coach, yeah.
Speaker 2:This was not no life. Hold on now, what are you asking me? And she, like I was stuck to me and I was like no, she was waiting and took. Are you processing what you're saying? I was like yeah, but I don't think you're processing what I'm saying. I'm not here to talk about that. She's like you need to talk about it. She's because it's reflecting, and I was, but it was been so. It was years, yeah, 10 years. Now, 10 years was this past September and I was going. You know, my book came out about two years ago. I was going in then. So I'm like what are you talking about? Like time has passed on. You know I'm 30, like, what are you talking about? This type of one was 25, like what are you talking?
Speaker 2:about and yeah, that's how it all happened. And then I just like, and even the title and my documentary doesn't match, but it matches.
Speaker 3:I was sitting back and I had a really thing about it.
Speaker 2:I was like, okay, it is okay, walk by, Okay, they could find it, Yep, yep they'll find it.
Speaker 1:they'll find it, oh wow. So usually I think about writers and I think about, like, either writers write because they love their craft, they love to write, or they are people who have a message they want to give to the world. Did you have an affection for writing or were you like I've got to get this out Was it, was the writing of it kind of parallel to your therapy, where they hand in hand, like how did you come into writing the book?
Speaker 2:So I wrote it. I have journals and stuff and everybody has a journal, so when everybody's got journals man, those things we love. A good journal over here, that journal, come on, come on. It tells some things that you don't even want your best friend to know. Come on.
Speaker 3:You know what?
Speaker 2:I'm saying Come on, you and the Lord have a journal. Yeah, so I was always writing my journal. But when I was younger, I liked poetry. I liked Little Rhimes, I don't know, I liked Riddles, that's what it was.
Speaker 3:it was weird yeah.
Speaker 2:And I really liked just writing, like freestyling, telling funny stories. I always know that I always I love music. I used to write like some music, like I had little lyrics, but I didn't really take it that seriously.
Speaker 3:And.
Speaker 2:I think I had to go through like a transitional change in my life, like you know, what do, finally, what you want to do. That's literally how the book came out and I had that book in my laptop for years.
Speaker 3:Wow.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and one of my coworkers. She was like, let me see it. And I was like see what she was like you're always writing something when I'm. She'll FaceTime me, we'll FaceTime.
Speaker 3:Now.
Speaker 2:I'll be on my laptop, just like here, and she was always writing something why don't you let me see it? And I was like no. And she was like, come on, let me see it. And I sent it to her and she was like, okay, I need to know what happened next. And I was like, oh no, no, I'm just playing around. And she was like, no, this is you, this is your story, but I have people in it. But I switched the names and reversed.
Speaker 2:So that's then I was like, and I sent it to a publishing company another writer who I know, another author, sorry, he had a couple of books out and he recommended me a publishing company to edit and all that good stuff. And they're like okay, well, we take about a couple of weeks, you know, if we wanna publish your book or edit, we'll see if they willing to do it.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:They have to read it. So I sent them like a couple of chapters and within like 72 hours she was like so yeah, can we talk about what we wanna do with you? And I'm like okay, yes. Yeah, so yeah, that's awesome, that's awesome.
Speaker 1:So when you were writing that book and I have to imagine just kind of like reliving or regurgitating that story, what well, let me say I can't imagine what that might've been like for you. Was it therapeutic to get it out in black and white? What was that process like for you?
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was very therapeutic. It was also did I really just say that?
Speaker 3:I took out a lot of things too because I didn't want to like hurt.
Speaker 2:I don't wanna hurt people like feelings, but it wasn't coming off like like I was angry at them or it was just more like this was then. So that's why, even you know, I talked about my you know relationship with my family. My mother didn't know a lot of things. Oh, like it was a lot of true feelings.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I didn't really, and so she was like, oh, I didn't know, you know when your mama started reading the book and you don't really see it and I think you know we come to this country and you know we're the hope and the dream and she's reading this book and she's like I read your book and I was like okay, Are you first generation?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're.
Speaker 2:Ethiopian, and you know I was. I mean she reads like she loves her, michelle Obama, don't get her, come on. She said, don't play about her. Yeah, when I saw that I was like, okay, I'm Michelle Obama here. So she read the book, my book, and she was like I could tell it was the lowest fifth, you know. But I mean we talked about it and she just didn't know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we protect the people we love from the parts of us that are hurt because we don't want them to hurt for us, right, right, exactly, and so when they come into it, it's a whole process for them to think about us going through those things even without them, right Exactly Could they have been there more? Is there something they could have done? How did they miss? This or that Like it's a whole, you know reckon with themselves about like hold on, how did this get past me?
Speaker 2:You just feel like oh, my husband really feels like that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, my kids I have two kids and my oldest one, her and I have. She's at an age where she's more vocal just about kind of her process and her life and her, you know my youngest one is still living her best life college Right but you know I want them to know that. You know we live a lot of life and as you're continuing to heal through life which should be a lifelong process because we live so much life we have to stop sometimes and just kind of process what you know the leg of the journey that we just came through.
Speaker 1:And if there's anything about me. I was never perfect, never going to be perfect. People just aren't perfect. But if there's anything that you need to shake down with me, to talk to me or talk, you know, through with me, I'm here for it. Like I want you to be free, I want you to be, I want you to continue healing, and so sometimes that work has to be done with our parents, right.
Speaker 3:So sometimes it just is we live our home.
Speaker 1:We grow up with them, people Right.
Speaker 2:I think a lot of people like some people be like oh yeah, we just, you know, and it also is a culture thing too. You know you don't really talk about like you talk about. You know the struggles and they're more like the struggles you know, you know my family is more like you want another struggle to move to another country. I just like okay, that's a mind, that's a struggle.
Speaker 1:Right, right. I remember my mom said something to me one time and, bless her heart, my mom has seven kids and so she was the do all right, and she's like get her done. We're going to get it done. Like life happened and and she had made a comment one time about she used to take her kids all the time, every place and I'm like, yeah, but you shouldn't have had like, you shouldn't have had to do all that. All that you did, you did and you did that Right.
Speaker 2:Like you did that, you did them kids, but you shouldn't have had to.
Speaker 1:So don't carry that forward and put that on someone else because someone shouldn't have to do. Yeah, of the things that you had to do, make it and raise your kids Like. I love you and respect you for that, but some don't pass that on to nobody else, okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah, leave that one Right, don't do that.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:I'll call you what it is. Or they'll just fight.
Speaker 1:I'll be.
Speaker 2:I'll be kind of going crazy.
Speaker 1:I'm like oh, oh yeah, it's my, my business. Yep, yep, yep, cause I think we are what our parents hope. We would be in in that our parents want us to do better than what they did, and that's not to say they didn't do good for themselves.
Speaker 3:That same we all, even as a parent, I'm like my kids are going to be so much better than me.
Speaker 1:You know so much more. They don't flip so much better. They have better tools, they have better knowledge, right, yeah, and I had that opportunity because my mom wanted that for me, I want that for my kids and we hope that. So don't disrespect, but, yeah, leave that there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I know that's, I have to learn. I was like, oh, here we go.
Speaker 3:Yeah, when I both came out.
Speaker 2:I was really scared.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, I was really scared.
Speaker 2:I didn't know what.
Speaker 1:I didn't know what was going to be the outcome. Did you find yourself, as you were writing that, also protecting people you were harmed by?
Speaker 2:Yeah, and then I also didn't want to make that the family in a bad light, because it's not them. You know what I'm saying. Of course you're going to support your siblings whether they do good or bad either way, but I didn't want the light to be on them in a negative way because we were all good friends.
Speaker 2:You know what I'm saying and I always say that I'm like I know it will. I wish nothing. Even if one of them walked past and said hi, I would say hello Because you know our community is small, so it's like everybody kind of knows everybody.
Speaker 1:And so for me that's a lot what is that like Right, it's a lot In such a close knit small community when something like that happens. Like how do you still find I'm going to call it the courage, for lack of a better word but to maneuver in that community with your chin up? How is?
Speaker 2:that for you. You know I'm going to be honest with you. I feel like that was like a dream, because now that I look back on my, where was I when? I was thinking because I went to work after it all happened, like 10 days later, and I just navigate through life. I was like I was 25. So I was like okay you know, I'm alive, but I could.
Speaker 2:I look back now and I could tell where my mind was. I wasn't, I don't think I was like. I know my body was present but I just wasn't like mentally present. But no, I know a lot of people, you know, we had close friends. We all used to hang out. They threw, they had like a little my best friend little barbecue at her house with all of our mutual friends.
Speaker 2:So, like his friends might like. We were all friends, we had a group and you know they sent me, they wrote a card and, you know, got me something and this was showing love, like you know, we all, and that's when I kind of was like oh okay, this is nice, and I was happy I got to, even though I was getting out of the house.
Speaker 2:I was getting out of the house where, like you know, like okay, it was only nearby, but I didn't realize it was close by where it happened. So I was like okay, but I just, you know, and now that I think about it, I don't even think that I was really present during all that time. You know, some of my friends would be like I don't even know how you want to do it. Because everybody knows everybody in our community. Like we all know who you had a baby with.
Speaker 3:Yep, yep.
Speaker 2:Oh no, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was a little community when we came here, and then it's like growing with those, like everybody you know look out for each other some type of way.
Speaker 1:So yeah, wow it was crazy. Yeah, I'm just thinking, trying to put myself and I will never be able to, but like, just thinking about, like, wow, that happened to you and you just were like okay, I was like la, la, la, la la, and that's why I needed to go to therapy.
Speaker 2:Yes, I was just like I didn't have like a snapping moment, I think once I was driving the car that I shot in and I don't know what happened. I made a turn somewhere and I was just doing my daily routine because I only had one child at the time and I will get like this, like anxiety but cringe.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Like my body would just be like and I remember I went to my doctor's appointment.
Speaker 2:They had to like check me out and my mom came with me and she was like take a picture, get here. And I was like I drove. And she was like the car. I was like, yeah, I drove the car. Like what am I supposed to believe it? Like I need to go to work, I got things I have to do and my doctor was like I think you're having PTSD because you know, I was like I didn't know that. I was like I'm telling you it was like a blur. It was like I feel like it was just like when people say unicorns and ice cream.
Speaker 2:I was like don't talk about Lala. I didn't know what it was and every time I was in the car it was like but back then I didn't know what that was.
Speaker 3:Like I didn't, you know, I'm like I don't know what that is.
Speaker 2:I don't know what trauma, like my body was going through a trauma. I'm having anxiety. I'm just like. I was just always like kind of like shaking a little bit when I don't know why.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:If somebody was following me more than 10 minutes, I will like pull to the side.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I didn't know all that like self-consciously, right. So my mom and my stepdad. My mom was like, hey, I'm going to take your car. And then we got another car because the doctor was like I don't think it's safe for her. So I don't know what your financial thing, my doctor oh my God, I had her. I know ourselves 18. So she's like my family.
Speaker 1:I love that.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, that doctor don't play. She said, if I have to help you. So we're going to figure this out and you know, cause you know my kid and you know she's my kids. Now, like Can we just pause on that?
Speaker 1:like healthcare, working for someone Like can we just pause that you trusted your provider, that your provider poured into you and protected you and stood for you and like that is so uncommon. It's so uncommon right now. And she's and she's like come listen.
Speaker 2:So she was not playing. Yeah, so one time she was not playing. She was not playing. When it happened she I remember when I went for my checkup she was like do we need to make you disappear?
Speaker 2:I was like no, and then she's like okay, so what kind of therapy we need? What kind of this are you? What are you doing, you know? And I was like what? She was like no, she taught me what to, how to advocate for myself. She's like, you know, because she's a woman of color. You guys, I'm sorry to say it Like she broke it down to me she knew. She knew. She knew yeah, I love this. She knows that woman is what she's all the way away.
Speaker 1:Yeah, she said all the way away, she's all the way open. She's like, oh what?
Speaker 2:Like she don't play. Yeah, like I think like two years ago maybe me, my youngest, I'm a drunk driver hit me, oh no, and yeah, and thank God everything worked out. I mean we're all good and stuff. But she hooked me up with a counselor at the hospital to talk about my anxiety while I'm driving, because she remember last time I was driving a big trauma happened and I got triggered.
Speaker 2:Yes and I didn't know that, so she just write it. Hey, I have this therapist where she's a, you know it's more of a psychological like get your mind tools to help you like not have an anxiety effect.
Speaker 1:Yes, that's all. That's amazing.
Speaker 2:So I got another car and that's what happened. So I had to get me a new car. My family you know my mom and my stepdad, I love them they're like hey, you got to switch up this car situation and yeah.
Speaker 3:So I still have the car too.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, because I just, you know, and I think I didn't want to let go of my first car because I bought it with my own money Because it was yours. Yeah, it was mine. So my uncle helped me get it, got it, yeah, and I was resting my soul, he helped me pick it up, and you know. So I was like no, I'm not letting this go, this is my car, but my mom actually drove it, yeah, and then that was it.
Speaker 1:Shout out to that covering that you had. I want to harp on that for a second longer because I work in healthcare.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah.
Speaker 1:And I just know how rare it is for people to feel protected by their own, Protected by their providers, and so I think that that is especially today. We hear all the horror stories you know for black women and other women of color that we're just not protected, we're overlooked. Yes, you know all of the things, and so I think that is so amazing One that you had this same healthcare provider for years.
Speaker 1:So you've been able to build that rapport, that trust, that relationship, and that's rare but that that they also believed you, that they covered you protected you, educated you, informed you, guided you. I think I got to shout that out. That's amazing.
Speaker 2:That's amazing. And to this day, she's always like hey, what are we?
Speaker 3:doing.
Speaker 2:What's going on and I'm more like oh, okay, and if I get you know, if I just need a mental health, say, she was oh, yeah, you do. How many weeks do you want? I was like oh, same, like a day. I'm like take what you need. She was like nothing, you should do about that. Yeah, Like what she was. Yeah, she was like life is always going to keep going.
Speaker 2:She's like honey he's always been there and it is like school me. So to this day I'll be like, oh, I ain't liking today, oh, good, I ain't liking it either. Yes, you know. But yeah, so that's a lot. That was a lot of again like the circle or people trying to help me and that she was one of them really guided me. But it was really hard to talk about my situation. You know, I didn't talk about it for a while.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Even with close friends. I did for a little bit, but I felt like maybe I was doing it too much, like maybe they're affected by it. But I just, I just kept quiet.
Speaker 1:Won't we just take to the grave protecting other people, man, yeah.
Speaker 2:And I feel like that's disrespectful to us.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, and. And the people who love us and want to be there for us. Sometimes, like I've had friends go through things before and they don't want to be in inconvenience, and I've experienced that too. I've gone through certain things in life that I've just gotten through on my own because I'm like I don't want to inconvenience anyone else. But then I think about how irritated I fussed my friends out when I'm like don't you go through that by yourself? Like don't you feel I'm here Like a real one, like I'm a B.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Like I'm not going to take on more than I can. I have good boundaries. Like we got to trust this. Like you don't have to burden any. Some people have to go through processes or portions of a process on their own in order to bring other people in, but, but man like yeah, I feel like you feel for yourself.
Speaker 2:So that's it. And you have to have a good group of like my. Actually there are on the documentary. I talked to them about everything, but it's a safe zone, it's a. I could say what I want to say, like what I really want to say, cause I usually I usually now that I'm learning I usually just kind of step back and you know, you know, sometimes I let, I let them, I let, when things happen, I let it be like a bully to me. If that makes sense, like okay, I'll just take it.
Speaker 2:But now I must say what I want to say and if I feel that you know, you're being very not nice or certain things like I speak up now Before I would speak up, but it wouldn't be like in a calm way, it's more like you know. But that's the fact. Like you know, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you getting the honey. It's zero to a hundred.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's just like that's it you know, and I had to like check myself. Yeah, yeah, you know my mouth. My sister always tell me oh, girl, your mouth. I was like I know.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Now I'm just like, okay, I'm gonna say it, but I'm a. Yeah, I'm gonna still read you. Yeah, there's a lot of tone. Yeah, it's a lot of art, it's a good tone.
Speaker 1:I feel that I'm a, I'm a baby sister, so I'm a baby girl. I have brothers under me, but I'm the baby girl and so I've had a mouth in my younger days. And it's something that I'm like strong mind, strong will.
Speaker 3:You know, you know talker, like it's it's.
Speaker 1:it's good to have that. You have to have somebody to teach you how to fine tune it so that it works for you, because my old personality was if I could talk, I'm a talk. I'm a talk faster, louder, like, and it's going to be daggers You're going to get all this fire yeah yeah. And I taught how to fine tune that so that people could really hear what it is that I have to say and that it was a real conversation versus if we going it's on, that's it. That's right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you might get a different language in it. Like we don't know. We don't know what's going to go out, but my business now, you know she always tell me. Ok, I want to address this person that says she like OK, I want you to try the sandwich method, and I was like oh, what is this? So I had to learn the sandwich method. I had to learn you know certain things and it's good. I mean it's still work in progress.
Speaker 1:You know, yeah, yeah. Well, let's talk about the documentary Walk by Faith right.
Speaker 2:And it released.
Speaker 1:It just premiered, on January 13th.
Speaker 2:Yep.
Speaker 1:And it premiered in Seattle.
Speaker 2:Yes, yeah.
Speaker 1:By the.
Speaker 2:Columbia City Theater.
Speaker 1:Yeah, what was that like? Like seeing your story, your part of your journey, just you talking about it. Sounds like you had others in it talking about it with you. What was? That like seeing it on screen.
Speaker 2:I think coming to see it come to life, because you know, obviously I was recording back in October, so it was kind of like OK, this is happening, and that that took a little toll on me while I was recording. How to take like a few breaks or like put on, because I was like let me catch myself. But seeing it on the screen I was nervous. That whole day was crazy. Oh my God, it was just like a lot. But you know what, when there's a little, there's a way, and if he is meant for you to have this premiere this day come on, we'll give it to you, come on.
Speaker 2:But if you ask for it, you're going to have some bump.
Speaker 1:But for you, you will have.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you will have it and it's going to mess you up that day, but it's.
Speaker 1:It was a lot of stress.
Speaker 2:There's a lot of stress, oh my God, yeah it was the whole thing out and then it was cold and I'm fine, but you know what the people that showed up came out.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 2:And they supported.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 2:Excuse me, and it was just like Seeing it. I even got a little catchy of certain things. I was like, oh my God, that did happen to like you know, it's like. And then seeing my, my, my friends on it, three of them. They got to, they agreed to interview and seeing them support me and really hear them on their side of like, like what their mind is, it was pretty, it was pretty dope. I was like, oh, that's what you want to see.
Speaker 1:So was the premiere your first time seeing it all, or were you, did you view it before a premiere?
Speaker 2:No, I viewed it, but it was more Okay. Okay when you view something like you want to make sure any edits.
Speaker 3:Yes, yes.
Speaker 2:So my mind wasn't really like focusing on like. Oh, I was like, ok, this sounds good. I don't like that.
Speaker 3:Yep, yep.
Speaker 2:And then when I really just and then I seen it, I approved it I was like, ok, this looks good it in dawn to me Later I'm sitting there and I'm seeing it on the screen and I was like, oh my God, I'm on the screen, like yeah, and you're really taking it all in in the moment, in the experience with other people, and it is what was that like for you.
Speaker 2:It was. You know, I'm still it's only been a week, so it's still for me kind of like I haven't hit me yet. People are like how do you? Feel and I'm like you know, I don't know. I got to go take care of the skin. I feel well. I lost my boy Like I'm over here trying to get my life.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and it hasn't really hit me.
Speaker 2:Yet I didn't even really like like the girlfriend I was on there. She's like OK, let's celebrate, you know you just don't like how many of us know that we need documentary and? I was like yeah, but when do you want to do that Like?
Speaker 2:I'm kind of like like I'm like we could just eat somewhere in our pajamas and she was like what? And I'm like, yeah, and it was just super cold. So I haven't really like hit me, hit me for watching it. Like, sit with the others, I was like looking at people with their you know, and the feedback. I was really in shock with the feedback. You know, sometimes you'll get people like, oh yeah, this was great, I like it you know, but you don't know if they really like it.
Speaker 1:You know, yeah, yeah, but from trusted people you got good feedback.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And even my. I got messages that people watched on YouTube.
Speaker 3:And.
Speaker 2:I'm happy you got to talk about it and they went through nothing similar like mine, but have some things that they talked about and they're like I'm happy. She was like I feel. One girl said I feel more comfortable now talking and I was like, oh, she was like, yeah, I never felt comfortable, but I like that. That was like the kind of things I like to hear.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and did you guys do? I think I read you guys are doing a panel at the end like the Q and A. Did that happen?
Speaker 2:So we did a Q and A. Some of you asked me questions. We had Sister House on there for domestic violence so we bring awareness there for women and men to as well. So yeah, we had, we had them come to, we had representative of their team come and we had another therapist. She did a video and she talked about you know trauma and you know what to do with it. So a lot of Black women just found like just talking.
Speaker 1:Mm, hmm, mm, hmm, that had to be beautiful community to be in.
Speaker 2:that it was it was, it was, it was, and you know the DJ was hot and I was a Black girl rocking it. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, it was good.
Speaker 1:Mm hmm, I love that. Um, how were you the title of the documentary Walk by Faith?
Speaker 3:Mm, hmm.
Speaker 1:How were you able to keep your faith during those difficult moments in life?
Speaker 2:Honestly, it was like really hard, like I, just because I still was like searching for church after I was trying on. Like you know, my sister and I will call it church hopping, searching, searching I end up at church by the side of the road Um in Sequoia Washington. It's not that far from where I live at and um, and I felt more comfortable in talking like to people there to get advice and stuff and that's literally. It's still a journey. There's some day.
Speaker 2:I just be like, ok, I don't want to do this, like I just want to, but I know I have to like build that routine up for my mind. You know, and that's literally how I got it together. I was just joining different groups, going to Bible study and not being like the whole, like you know Bible somewhere, because I don't know. People will assume I know the Bible, I do not know the Bible. I know certain stories in the Bible. I could probably give you a scripture you, you have your own relationship with God. Yeah, I don't think that he know. I'm wrong Because I can't quote none, don't. Now people will assume what I say Be in the Bible. Tell us. No, I'm telling you. Listen, I'm going to a few stories.
Speaker 1:Listen you know, I am one of those people. I I have, I have a relationship with that right. It's my foundation but, I'm not. I'm not someone I have a lot of. I have a lot of issues with the church today and and how they really embrace people, but my relationship with God is solid, mm, hmm. And so I'm not someone who feels like you have to put on the performance, and it's not a performance for everyone. I'm not. It don't come from me, folks.
Speaker 2:I'm not saying.
Speaker 1:I'm saying that for some is the performance. And I'm just, I'm just not. I'm just not here for the ritual of feeling like you showing up means that you're living in, doing right and that your relationship with God just because you're in the pew, you know, three, four times a week leading choir. I mean nothing in Bible study, but shout out to those of you who do that. I'm not knocking you. I'm saying that that is not everyone's path and that that does not at all determine or define each individual's relationship with God.
Speaker 2:So yeah, I feel like your own. Your personal relationship is your own personal relationship. And at the end of the day, that's what he wants. He wants you to go to him anyway. You know you go to Bill, Bob and John all you want. But you better go to him like come on it.
Speaker 1:You know, I see it. We see how the word is being hijacked these days for yeah.
Speaker 2:So I just feel like you know I go and that's my time to just pray here. Good work, I like the pastor. Yes, you know, take my own notes and just try to do my own thing with it. But you know, I think my, my walk by faith it's very it's not like I just want to shake the charge and there is more Faith. Walk could be a lot of other things. Yes, you know it could fall not just spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically you know, to make sure.
Speaker 2:Ok, I might look good on the outside. I'm fixing the inside. I want to make sure I look presentable. Now more for myself and more for representing you know, for just in general, Because I'd be. I'd be looking crazy, Probably why I'm so single. I'll be like I'll be like you know my homegirl, like see, I told you that Love you.
Speaker 1:Sad you got dressed today, huh.
Speaker 2:You know like I'm not here, but you know, I also know, like OK, it is what it is, you know, and that and that world of being. But yeah, yeah I just think that I just be at home.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, hmm, what do you? What do you hope other people and survivors get from your story? Get from you sharing your story? What do you hope that they walk away with?
Speaker 2:I hope they walk away with a sense of peace for themselves A lot of things, actually so I want them to just make sure you check on your friends, men and women, and I think check on them, like when they always check on the strong one definitely do, because I'm a people like they're so strong. I'm actually weak, Like you know.
Speaker 1:I've come to a place where I don't even take that word as a compliment anymore, because there's an expectation, especially with black women, that comes with the word that we're supposed to be able to endure and take, and I think you know we heard this wave over the last year about women identifying what their softer side right With that soft life.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, that's right. I don't like that life.
Speaker 1:Tapping into their vulnerability. But we should want that for ourselves, like we should want to. But it's the expectation that we be strong and we endure these things and we don't take the time to heal, that we get over it. I'm sitting here just as you're talking about your life and your story and I'm like this happened to her right, like this. This happened to her and she carried on like wow, like wow.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's why I always want to say like people, like check on them, you know, and like check on them to really make sure that you give your friends, whoever is in your circle, a safe space. Like listen, you might not like to talk about something, that's fine, or you might not, you just want something to listen.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:And I'm not saying every relationship beginning to some not saying that at all right, because it is ups and downs. But you know, really, just ask them like, hey, how are you doing? You know, like that happened to you, like, did you? You know, did you, did you want to talk like you know? Okay, you know it's a safe space. I'm just I'm letting that happen Like and I think sometimes we need to hear it Like you know you could talk to me or you know I'm here.
Speaker 2:Open the floor to it for them, or because they might not receive that, they might not know, but, girl, I don't know, yeah, and so sense of peace talking, I would also want them to really be like it's okay to not be okay.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that is okay.
Speaker 2:That's okay. You having a bad month or a year, that's okay. There was time I took time off. I think it was like year. Last year I took 10 days out.
Speaker 3:Mm, hmm.
Speaker 2:I just needed it. Just just the little ones going to kindergarten. This one's in high school. I'm just like you know, I just need it. Yes, and they are my best friends. She's like thank.
Speaker 3:God, he does that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, she said you needed that. I just needed a mental I you know, and you know take care of yourself you know, whatever that looks like, if you want to take yourself out to eat, take yourself out to eat.
Speaker 1:I come on they all the time, all the time All the time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I am romantic. Yeah, I'll be loving on me. I love that. I don't care, you know like really just, you know, have a sense of peace and be kind to yourself. Yeah, like you know, like be kind and to really be open to you. Know different scenarios, be mindful you know and also love people. I want people to love people. It's not like that, Be aware of you know, yeah, but it's more like, hey, this happened, but you know, what? Look what I did.
Speaker 2:I was like. I was like. I was like. I was like. I was like. I was like look what I did. I still pushed through. You went through something. You're going to get through it and when you're done with it, that's when you really going to feel it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, it's the on the other side, the other side.
Speaker 2:Right, it's the other side.
Speaker 1:I tell people is like just when you think that you can't take any more of whatever life is dishing you, you're ready, you're almost to the other side. Like, like, just when you think that, like why and what?
Speaker 1:You feel like you want to give up on things like that is your. You're right there, the doorknob is in your hands, you're about to be to the other side of it and then, when you are to that other side, you'll be able to look back and see what you've come through and understand this new layer of yourself, that that you've discovered, and it's just these different levels, and layers of self discovery Right.
Speaker 1:And you don't have to be like. You know you're not going to be able to believe in yourself without what is in you, what you're made of. And I don't say that in the form of strength you do need. I mean, I don't want to, I don't want to mislead people. Yes, you do need strength, you do need perseverance, you do need all of these things to make it through tough scenarios, but you also have to have that trust and belief in yourself that you can do it.
Speaker 2:And sometimes that's that's where people feel like I don't got it, like I don't know. So, like you know, if we got people, if you have dreams and you want to do like you know I wanted to do, I have a lot of girls, girls and men actually mean, but you know what I wanted to do this, I wanted to write this, I wanted to start a podcast and I see you they all thought I had podcasts or something. I don't know. I was like, no, I'm getting on. I don't know.
Speaker 3:I'm getting on. That's part of the book. You're busy, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:I'm just on them, but I could. I could guide you to people who start off. I don't know. I'm like, if that's your dream, then do it.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know, like it's okay you know and be open to things you know. So I'm still open to love. A lot of people think like I shut down and it's like no, no, I'm just chilling, yeah, I'm just you know, yeah, so there's, there's, a there's.
Speaker 1:I do want to. I do want to get into that lane a little bit because I think that people will make assumptions about you, know, going through something that traumatic, like I said. I mean, if you're listening to the story, I'm sitting here listening to it and I'm like I can't imagine, right, like.
Speaker 1:I it's hard to put yourself. You could put yourself in somebody's shoes as much as you can, but that's just a scenario no one can imagine for themselves, right, yeah? And so the idea of, of of opening up your heart and your your your life to a person in the future. Yeah, I'm single also, but I live in the lane of God, preparing me Right, like that's how I think about it Like the.
Speaker 1:When it's time it will be, it will be here, right, I will see him, he will see me. It will be what it's supposed to be. What is? What is that lane for you? Do you feel like if someone presented you are in a space where you could receive, or are you still healing to get to that point?
Speaker 2:So a lot of people might know like I had a whole second child, so I was open to it even after and we were together for five years. We didn't you know different, different past, you know, and we're actually actually good friends, that's one of my good friends. Love that you be hanging out with your baby.
Speaker 3:That's the home you need to be in.
Speaker 2:Yeah, good people. I actually learned a lot in that relationship because how we got together so soon after my situation, so sometimes I'd be feeling bad, I'm like dang. He had to go through all of that with my mind, wasn't even you know. But then you know, obviously we both, you know, not suitable, but I mean compatible, but it was okay. Yeah, but now that you know it's been like I've been single now like six years. I'm open, but then again I just get you know I, I love the whole purpose of love. Yes, like I like real, unconditional love.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes.
Speaker 2:Because love doesn't have conditions and I'm like you. You know he'll bring me when I, when he knows I'm ready for it, because he probably knows I ain't ready because my mouth is like oh, this is not right. Good to be with you.
Speaker 2:But no, I'm like you know and people will actually see that, like these are on dates and I'm like I communicate, you know communication, you know how you talking to people sometimes. You know I communicate but honestly, like I I'll forget it. You know, and it's not on purpose, but it's more like, if you're not consistent, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm going to be consistently somewhere else.
Speaker 3:Yeah, but no.
Speaker 2:I'm open, I I go back and forth on it a lot Like do I? Do I see myself married? Honestly, I'm okay. I'm content where I'm at right now. I am comfortable, so I don't know if that's a good thing, but I am like, I'm like yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:But also, there's time, you know you got to get that person time, so I don't know if I could do that.
Speaker 1:Yeah Right, it's timing Like the person who who's able to fit into this space in your life, like, yeah, when we meet the right person, we make space for them. Right, and they have shown themselves to be someone who is worthy of that space. We create space for them.
Speaker 2:And so it's timing. It's timing, and I'm such a, you know I need to but but is that because you've had to be?
Speaker 1:it's all good. You know what you know. What I found out about myself is that not found out about myself.
Speaker 1:But what I tell people about myself, yeah, and what I find out about myself is that I I might present as this boom, boom, boom. You know, get it going, ducks in order, this going this, this, this way, this, that way. But that's cause I've had to be that way, right. But let me tell you about me, the first sign that I get to be able to hand that off to somebody else, right, baby, you got it. That's the life I want to live.
Speaker 1:It's the life that I'm happy, Right. So I'm happy to pass that off and and and and back off of that personality when I get the opportunity. But, but I feel you, I'm, I'm also that way, Um, but I'm happy to hand that thing off the second I get a chance to. Real quick, Real quick Like.
Speaker 2:and then what? What when we do finally get it? The question is if we're willing to accept it and receive it. I don't know if I can I don't know when someone is showing you you'll, you will, I think I think.
Speaker 1:I think that's what it is for for for women with that mindset is that we've. We've had to live that.
Speaker 1:We've had to own it, we've had to carry it and to be in a space that we are trusting to hand that off to someone. They have to have shown that they are capable of it Like it's it's they've had to. They've had to show up consistently as that so that we know that it's a safe space to right To hand off them bags. That well, that's how I think. I'm not going to put that on you, but that's how I think about it. You got it, I got to know. Yeah, no, I completely agree.
Speaker 2:That's why I be, I be listen.
Speaker 1:Otherwise.
Speaker 2:I love you. That's the only two things that be my head. This is it. This is how you got. I love you. I love you, I love you. This is it.
Speaker 1:This is how you do it yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but no, I I'm up at when the time comes it will happen for me. You know, I mean people assume right, like oh no, she will never get you know after everything happened Like no, no.
Speaker 1:I, I want somebody. Yeah, and I think that's encouraging it for people to hear. I mean, I'm thinking about people who their wounds might be fresh right now, listen to this and think that that's not in the cards for them in the future. I think, hearing you say no, I've been in relationship and I was able to receive and grow from that relationship. It wasn't my forever relationship. That person is still someone wonderful in my life.
Speaker 1:But, yes, I am also open to having a partner in life. I think that has to be encouraging for someone who feels like, for someone who has been through a DV situation, who might feel like they're still gathering maybe their self-worth or their place in life, and hearing you talk about the promising nature of your ability to love and have partnership and companionship, I think that's encouraging for them.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think you have to heal, though too. I say that in my documentary about making sure you heal first before you jump into anything, because if you're going to be going through that process, whatever your healing journey is and you have, you meet somebody and that person you know that person can't be your. You know like that real help when you're meeting them, but like you can't dump it off because your relationship now is gonna be based on pain or Healing not the other part. Then met you in a healing process.
Speaker 2:So now somebody meets me and you know, wants to get to know me. All this stuff I've already done all that stuff. I mean obviously healing is a process, changes the lifetime right, yeah, yeah, but.
Speaker 2:I Think you're gonna now. You know they're meeting me now like, oh, this is Tegas, now this is, you know. Okay, this is ten years past. Take it, this is. You know she's now on a different mindset, you know, you know, just handling things I need to take care of and I'm this, I'm that you know now that's who they're meeting. But if it was long time ago, yeah, so we're.
Speaker 1:I mean, and we're talking, sorry, I sweat. I sweat the thought of timing, right, that is a Patience that that you have to carry with yourself To, to give yourself the time to receive the things that, yes, that are meant for you and it's not necessarily in the moment that you feel like it should be, but in the time that guy says it's meant to be. So that's beautiful to hear of you.
Speaker 2:I love that, Thank you.
Speaker 1:We're so grace you know, yeah, yeah, oh man.
Speaker 2:Listen, you're so grace cuz we'd be trifling to ourselves.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 1:We'll sit and figure out how to be good for everybody else but be the worst to ourselves. I mean and by that I mean just not giving ourselves the things that we need to be.
Speaker 1:Oh exactly and well, and, and so when I hear you talking about even that, you know You're, you take these, these this time off for yourself, for your own emotional you know mental wellness, then I think that's so important to even develop that awareness of yourself, to say that this is what I hear, this is what I feel, this is what my energy is telling me that I need for myself right now, and I'm gonna do it Right because I have to value myself and feel that I am worth you know, taking care of in that way and sometimes that's hard for other women Specifically, yep, mothers specifically, yeah, and, and so I think that's really important and allowing yourself the ability to Grow through things and not blame yourself, for you know that you've experienced, but recognized I Say recognized, not taking ownership of someone else's actions, but taking ownership of, maybe, how you got not you specifically, but people in general, how we got in Situations to be able to a family and make better decisions.
Speaker 1:Moving forward, yeah, but but not blaming yourself to a place where you don't trust yourself moving forward. Sometimes it's sometimes you have to, you know, get to know yourself all over again and establish new trust for yourself, but that's part of being able to go into relationships. Moving forward is being able to take ownership and and forgive yourself for For your own stuff. Now somebody else's your own.
Speaker 2:Exactly, it's like that, right, and you gotta hold yourself accountable. Yeah, we need to hold it ourselves accountable, except for like accountability, not just on other people, that we're telling them like, nope, I'm gonna hold her accountable, I'm holding no. Are you holding yourself accountable? Right, that's another human process. What did you do?
Speaker 1:You know what I think people have a hard time doing that because they think that it's taking away. But, but them, but them, and I'm like but, but we're not talking about them right now. People have a hard time.
Speaker 2:Talking about yourselves, right. Yeah, it's hard. I had to learn that. I learned that therapy shoes Like are you holding yourself accountable? I was like what do you mean? What did I do? Mm-hmm, Mm-hmm. She was like you're me to yourself. Mm-hmm, I was like oh, so it was just like a lot, you know and I think you know that's another healing process and I want my documentary to really like. You know, people hear me say like give yourself grace, heal, because you can't hurt people, hurt people, and if you're hurt, you're gonna lash out on that person.
Speaker 2:That person then look at you like Hold on, now you talking to me like I was the person that hurt you and because we'll have a vivid face and it's just laughing on and that's not good, you know. And then also like to check on your friends.
Speaker 3:Check on your people.
Speaker 2:You know, make those safe space, you know, and if you don't feel comfortable talking to your circle, then you should ask yourself Okay, who do I feel comfortable with?
Speaker 1:I want to, I want to interject even further into that. I would say then, let's talk about how you even allow these people in your space, because that part, the village that you hold, is a direct reflection of yourself. And if I am not trusting, of the people who are supposed to have their hands on me, lift me, hold me, cover me. You know, give me a soft landing, like all of the things, if I can't trust those people with the most Sensitive and vulnerable parts of myself, like why are we here?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I agree, you know. And it's like wait a minute, but it's if you're, if you're showing up is what's important, right? Not, you know, showing up in a way of whatever that looks like for you you know yeah. And that's why I could be open to those certain girls that I you know that that was on the documentary. Yeah, we knew each other 10 plus years, but we, there's some things going on, you know, and now they are so excited that they could be there for me. Because I've always been there for them.
Speaker 2:I'm like hold on. I got you hold on and now they see me vulnerable and they see me talking and they see me go do some things. They're like oh my god, we're so excited. Yeah, because, I'm just like you know, and if you show up, that's how you really know. You know, and if you're not comfortable with that group, you gotta ask yourself why yeah and that goes for men too, a lot of men, you know they don't talk. Yeah, it's like no talk, tell me what happened? What do you feel you said?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and and it's, and it's okay, like you're not any less of a man because you're sad or because you know you're, you're Feeling a certain way that society might not label as manly. Like we gotta get away from that. Like, give me in the space to be soft also.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the black man there, just yeah you know cuz you see, you see the Caucasian man, that they be crying and they be ready.
Speaker 1:You know, they've been given the space to save space to do that. I think the experiences that we've had, much like, you know, black women, it's like you don't have the time to be that, like you can't get caught up in that emotion Like you got. Keep pushing, keep being strong, be this man, be this woman, be right, like it's the expectation that's been placed on us and and I think we've got to do a better job To and for each other in being that space for one another. This is my two cents.
Speaker 1:But listen, I am a talker and I will talk your ears off for a whole other hour, so I'm gonna wrap this up for you, so you but this is a fun interview.
Speaker 2:I like it.
Speaker 1:Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Speaker 1:I really appreciate you being here and I really appreciate you sharing your story and you know your steps and in your journey and healing and Coming to the other side of that story and it not being the thing that defines you, but you being able to use it as a powerful tool to help and serve and encourage other people Through their situation as well.
Speaker 1:So what I'm hoping is that for the people in our community here at bloggers and friends podcast, that hearing your story is Giving them encouragement and, if they are relating to this in any way, shape or form, that they are are feeling in Community, that they are feeling not alone, that they have hope for what lies ahead for them in the future, and knowing and understand that they're not by themselves there's a whole life ahead of them and that they can champion this in their own way it doesn't have to look like the way that you came through it, but in their own way and and that you know, you've given them some advice and as to the tools that you you had at your disposal to, to to walk through this.
Speaker 1:So I appreciate you. Tell the people where they can find you, to give them your IG handle, your, if there's websites, oh, yeah he's on YouTube like tell the people where they could, where they can find you Documentaries on YouTube.
Speaker 2:Yep, documentaries on YouTube. Walk by face. My IG is love to get 25 on that profile. Be me my Doing finished touch-ups on the website right now, where we have merch on there as well, so, like hoodies and cups and little journals with pads, you could keep sake, you know T-shirts just have motivational things on there. I'll have different clips on there of my Q&A's. My book is on Amazon, which is awesome on there. So, yeah, love tickets, 25. That's definitely Copy yourself a book and what your documentary and you'll. You'll find the connection. I love that. Definitely, definitely find the connection, yeah well, hit her up.
Speaker 1:Y'all make sure to go follow her on IG and go check out our documentary on YouTube, and I will post the links to those things as well. So Thank you for joining us and being here with us today. Thank you.
Speaker 2:We appreciate you. I love it. I'm still next time.
Speaker 3:That was fun.
Speaker 1:If you liked this episode, be sure to subscribe so that you are notified when a new episode is posted. You can stay connected between podcasts by following us on Instagram at fear dot not dot the Dot journey. You can also join our page on Facebook at fear not the journey, or you can subscribe to our website and blog by visiting wwwfearnotthejourneycom. Thank you for joining us for this episode and until next time, be well.